i smell a rat, i smell a rat!

i cant imagine that any of us like it when we are feeling blue. i feel blue today. i am so charged with moving sacred chow to safe ground, that i often forget that i need new shoes, clothes, glasses, exercise, even a routine check-up. today i played chess to gain ground against this feeling, only creating more stress. ahh rats, a rat named chesster beat me again. oh, screw this, i'll stay under the covers of my bed. i should get out, i should go to sacred chow soon, taxes, credit cards, a slow day, the office is a mess... there's so much i have to do, so much i want to do, and i just cant today. but i will. there is a message hidden here, deep under my covers inside my heart, a gift of love, strength, renewal, forgiveness and learning.
when i was a teenager, i used to take the train from north jersey, where i lived, to the bronx, nyc to visit my mom's father, grandpa izzie. he was a bit off the mark, and after grandma lillie died, no one in my family, but for myself, would talk with him. my grandpa izzie used to feel the whole world was against him, he would constantly say, " i smell a rat, i smell a rat!", which meant he mistrusted everyone, and felt really blue. unfortunately, grandpa izzie felt blue almost everyday. i felt so bad for him. and he would cry so intensely when we were together because i had to leave. and i would hold him close as his tears fell down my face. "dont leave me alone, dont leave me alone," he would say. and i would kiss him and tell him that i loved him so much. and i did. and he would say, i love you too. it was so hard to leave, he really had no one who understood him; rats were everywhere. as i would wave good-bye, through the train window, he would be sobbing uncontrollably; my heart hurt me so.
today i am hearing grandpa izzie grumbling in the back ground a bit, " i smell a rat, i smell a rat!" and indeed, a rat beat me at chess today. but this rat is teaching me, as did those moments with my grandpa izzie. thanks grandpa, i feel better, i dont smell a rat anymore, and i am ready for more chess and chow. and dont worry, i will always be here for you.