i can smell the tanenbaum's!

when i was 19 i worked at massachusetts mental health hospital in boston, mass. i had been attending northeastern university, and my under-grad major was psychology. at n.u., the students also participated in a work\study program. my choice was 2 be an attendant at mass mental health. at that time, vegan food was as distant a concept 2 me as was the probability of barack obama becoming president of the u.s., or that there would be equal marriage rights 4 same-sex couples in massachusetts. i walked, each day, from where i lived, near symphony hall in boston, up 2 the hospital. it was close 2 brookline, mass., and also close 2 one of my favorite deli's, tanenbaum's. this deli was also part of a destination walk we infrequently took with the patients on heavily medicated, sunny days. a meal i would buy from tanenbaum's deli, almost everyday, was a head-cheese sandwich which tasted like corned beef jello. i would order a few thick pieces on a kaiser roll with very thinly sliced tomatoes, mustard & a pickle on the side. each day at the hospital, during my lunch break, i would studiously read the files of my patients. i would lock myself away, alone, in the 4'x5' file room with my "corned beef jello" sandwich, my pickle, a dr. brown's cream or cel-ray soda, and salt & vinegar potato chips. first, i'd take a bite of the sandwich, 2nd the pickle and 3rd, i'd stuff a few tangy chips into my mouth, all at the same time. i loved how the gelatinousness of the meat felt along with the dry crunch of the chips and wet crunch of the pickle. this order of consumption was a must: the sandwich, the pickle, the chips, left, right, center, chewy, bouncy-like "corned beef jello" w/ 2 distinct crunches, now 2gether, oh, my, on a perfect kaiser roll. this combination filled me w/ an unbelievable euphoria and delight. each swallow, would then require the clean, smooth swig of dr. brown's. this, all of this 2gether, i felt, was culinary masterpiece, bar none.

many times, during my lunch break, other attendant's would frantically call out: " attendant, attendant!" you'd have 2 drop everything, and rush 2 help. usually, a patient would be going through a catatonic episode and they would have 2 be stabilized. the strength of the oldest &/or smallest woman or man was unimaginable against 5 to 6 attendants. needless 2 say, it was always a very scary experience. one time, right after i had taken my 3 holy bites, savoring the textures and tastes that i had perfectly combined, chewed and swallowed, i was just ready 4 my swirl of dr. brown's, and i heard: "attendant, attendant!" out i ran, w/ the flavors of my masterpiece still delivering their exquisite union 2 my mouth. 4 other attendant's crowded around one of my favorite patients, julia. she was a really large women. she was screaming, get the fuck away from me. spit was hitting all of us in the face, her body & head were contorting up and down, left and right. i was holding her right arm, and my face was pretty close 2 hers. she looked at me and she said: "him, him, keep him away from me, he's the devil, satan, the evil one, pure evil." i felt really hurt, despite her schizophrenia, and that her hands were reaching 2 tear out my eyes, i said, "julia, no julia, it's me, cliff." she started sniffing profusely, making loud dog-like noises w/ her mouth and nose. "julia, it's me!" "oh, shut-up, one of the other attendants screamed, and just hold her down." i did, but i felt so rejected. i thought: why she cant distinguish me from the others? i said 2 myself: "i thought i was different, i thought i knew them, that they knew me, and that i was one of them!" the only difference, i believed, was that i held the keys. quickly a nurse came, gave her a shot of tranquilizers, she slowed her jerks and calmed down. she looked at me and grinned in her slanted smile and said: " i can smell the tanenbaum's!"